I'm NOT part dog!

My kids like to chew on things. But Andrew is by far the worst about it. He has been chewing on anything he could get his hands on, well....from the time he could get his hands on it. When he was three, I was getting really fed up with it, so I went online looking for some parenting advice. I read on some parent forum that if you have a child who likes to chew on things, the solution is to go buy a new rubber doggy chew toy, and give it to them to gnaw on. I thought that was sheer brilliance! So, off I went to Petco, got a good solid chew toy and took it home and ran it through the dishwasher. Then I presented it to him and explained that while it wasn't okay to chew on his clothes or toys, it was okay to chew on this. He seemed intrigued! He took the toy, looked it over, gave it a few good chews, looked at it again and tossed it on the floor, obviously quite unimpressed. Then the dog, as if he'd been waiting for it, quickly snatched the toy off the floor, ran out to the backyard and buried it.

So much for that bright idea.

Well, now Andrew is 7. Four years has gone by since the dog toy incident and I'd like to tell you that he doesn't chew on his things any longer, but unfortunately that would be a lie. He still chews on his sleeves, the collar of his shirts, his Lego's, the Nintendo DS stylus, and most recently he chewed a button of the cable box remote. A flipping button off the remote!

Last night I was going around my house gathering up dirty laundry. I walked into my bedroom where I found one of Andrew's socks. It was soaking wet and I could tell by the look of that thing that he had chewed his way through that sock. And it was sitting on my carpet. Full of slobber.

Me: "ANDREW!!!! Get in here!"

Andrew: "Yeah, Mom?"

Me: "What did you do to that sock?"

He looks down in shame.

Andrew: "I chewed on it."

Me: "Well pick it up, take it to the laundry room and put it in the whites basket. I don't even wanna touch that thing. That is so gross! And why are you still chewing on things? When are you going to outgrow this? I swear, you're part dog!"

I walked past him and went downstairs. A few minutes later, Alivia came up to me carrying a note. (I love how he totally gets her to do his dirty work.)

Alivia: "Dis is fwom Andrew."

I took it out of her hand and walked over to the counter where he was sitting and started reading it out loud. This is what it said:

Page 1
1. I don't chew on bones.
2. I am not as hairy as a dog.
3. I don't chew on toys.
4. I don't eat dog food.
5. I don't walk on four legs.
6. I don't have pahs.
7. I don't have a big nose.
8. I don't bark!
9. I don't have sharp clahs.
10. I don't try and climb walls.
11. I am not black, brown or white.
12. I don't cach a ball with my mouth.
13. I don't drink water with my tonge.
14. I don't live outside or in a dog house.
15. I don't sleep on the flor.
16. I don't beg.
17. I am not part DOG!

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It breaks my heart that you say that I am part dog when I am not.

I couldn't stop laughing. He was sitting at the counter, and I could tell that he was trying to be mad at me, but he couldn't help but start laughing with me.

Me: "Well, Andrew, you've proved some very good points here. I think based on this evidence, I have no choice but to retract my statement and confirm that you are indeed NOT part dog."

Then I apologized for hurting his feelings. I explained that it was just a figure of speech and that it was impossible for any human to be part dog.

And thank goodness....he decided to forgive me.