Yep, you're right. I don't work.

Today I went to Starbucks to get my morning iced venti americano with vanilla and cream. I do this every weekday morning - it's part of my routine. I roll out of bed, put on a sweatshirt and slippers and pull my hair back into a really pretty messy pony. I load up the kiddos, drop Andrew off at school and head straight to the Starbucks drive-thru. I do this every morning. The lovely girls there know what I drink. They know my name. They know I do this every morning.

Disclaimer: The only reason I leave the house looking like I do in the morning is because I know I'm not actually getting out of the car. I am fully aware of my hot-mess status, but I don't care because I haven't had my coffee yet, therefore I am still partially asleep. And not ready to accept the fact that it's morning. If I actually had to get out of the car, I promise, a shower would be mandatory.

Okay, back to this morning. I pull up to the drive through, order my coffee at the little speaker box thingy and pull on up to the window. There is this older lady who works there - and she's nice. Fake, but nice. I'm gonna call her Marci. She's always pleasant, always chattin' in her raspy voice but I can tell that she can't be trusted. She's so plastic, it ain't even funny. But I don't care - as long as I get my coffee. It's all good in the hood.

Until today.

I pull up to the window. Marci greets me with her usual super fake smile. It looks like this:Marci: "Hi, hon. How you doin' this morning?"

Me: "Good, how are you?"

Marci (dripping with fakeness): "So super-dee-douper, hon! Thanks for asking. You headed to work this morning?"

I just blinked. And blinked some more. Was she insulting me? I think she was insulting me. Clearly I'm not heading to work. Unless my job was begging on the side of the freeway. And even then I think I'd try to dress up a bit more.

So I just laughed nervously while I gave myself a quick once over.......Awkward.

Me: "Uh......no."

Marci (slaps herself on her forehead with the palm of her hand): "Doh! That's right, hon! You don't work. You have two kids right?"

And now this is where I get pissed. I hate that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it when people say that being a stay-at-home-mom isn't work. And usually, I only hear that from old guys who've been around since women were being dragged into caves by their hair. I can (begrudgingly) understand those old farts. They aren't gonna change their way of thinking. And who cares, really. They'll probably be dead within the month anyways. Buh-bye.

But I don't usually hear it from women. Especially women who are old enough to have grandchildren. Now, this here's a guess, but I think this woman probably had children in her day. Because she certainly didn't decide against children so she could follow her career path. She serves coffee at Starbucks, for crying out loud! Nothing wrong with it - but it's sort of an entry level job.

I'm mad. I'm irritated. But I'm trying to smile, because it's the nice thing to do. And I don't want to get crappy coffee on Monday. I depend on that coffee. It's actually a slight addiction. I think I looked something like this:

Me: "Yeah, I have 3 kids. It's 3........not 2......3......kids......And they keep me busy enough, so......."

Marci (stares blankly): "....(blink, blink)........Well, alrighty then. You have a super duper day."

And with, that she slams the window shut.

Me: "Oh, yeah and I also have a business. See, I'm a photographer. I take pictures for people. That also takes up a lot of my time. It's crazy - being a stay-at-home-mom and a work-at-home-mom. I'm so busy I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I'm either cleaning floors, or scrubbing counters, or sucking bugars, or doing laundry, or wiping butts, or - oh, yeah and in between I take phone calls from clients and hope to GOD that one of my three, not two, three children doesn't "act up" while I'm trying my best to "sound all professional." Then I cook for those little children - and it's never what they want. No sir! If I make chicken nuggets, they want waffles. Waffles! Even though they just asked for chicken nuggets, they want WAFFLES!!!! I do all those things. And then some. I do a lot. I work. I work plenty! And I'm worn out at the end of the day - because I work all day, every day. I don't ever stop working. I work in my sleep! I work, I work, I work!!!!!"

By the time I was done saying all those things, I realized I'd driven all the way home and was just sitting in my driveway. Talking to myself.

Nice.

I look back at Alivia - and she's just staring at me.

Alivia: "Mooooooooooom?"

Me: "(sigh)......Yes, Liv?"

Alivia: "Can I have waffles?"

I'm NOT part dog!

My kids like to chew on things. But Andrew is by far the worst about it. He has been chewing on anything he could get his hands on, well....from the time he could get his hands on it. When he was three, I was getting really fed up with it, so I went online looking for some parenting advice. I read on some parent forum that if you have a child who likes to chew on things, the solution is to go buy a new rubber doggy chew toy, and give it to them to gnaw on. I thought that was sheer brilliance! So, off I went to Petco, got a good solid chew toy and took it home and ran it through the dishwasher. Then I presented it to him and explained that while it wasn't okay to chew on his clothes or toys, it was okay to chew on this. He seemed intrigued! He took the toy, looked it over, gave it a few good chews, looked at it again and tossed it on the floor, obviously quite unimpressed. Then the dog, as if he'd been waiting for it, quickly snatched the toy off the floor, ran out to the backyard and buried it.

So much for that bright idea.

Well, now Andrew is 7. Four years has gone by since the dog toy incident and I'd like to tell you that he doesn't chew on his things any longer, but unfortunately that would be a lie. He still chews on his sleeves, the collar of his shirts, his Lego's, the Nintendo DS stylus, and most recently he chewed a button of the cable box remote. A flipping button off the remote!

Last night I was going around my house gathering up dirty laundry. I walked into my bedroom where I found one of Andrew's socks. It was soaking wet and I could tell by the look of that thing that he had chewed his way through that sock. And it was sitting on my carpet. Full of slobber.

Me: "ANDREW!!!! Get in here!"

Andrew: "Yeah, Mom?"

Me: "What did you do to that sock?"

He looks down in shame.

Andrew: "I chewed on it."

Me: "Well pick it up, take it to the laundry room and put it in the whites basket. I don't even wanna touch that thing. That is so gross! And why are you still chewing on things? When are you going to outgrow this? I swear, you're part dog!"

I walked past him and went downstairs. A few minutes later, Alivia came up to me carrying a note. (I love how he totally gets her to do his dirty work.)

Alivia: "Dis is fwom Andrew."

I took it out of her hand and walked over to the counter where he was sitting and started reading it out loud. This is what it said:

Page 1
1. I don't chew on bones.
2. I am not as hairy as a dog.
3. I don't chew on toys.
4. I don't eat dog food.
5. I don't walk on four legs.
6. I don't have pahs.
7. I don't have a big nose.
8. I don't bark!
9. I don't have sharp clahs.
10. I don't try and climb walls.
11. I am not black, brown or white.
12. I don't cach a ball with my mouth.
13. I don't drink water with my tonge.
14. I don't live outside or in a dog house.
15. I don't sleep on the flor.
16. I don't beg.
17. I am not part DOG!

Page 2
It breaks my heart that you say that I am part dog when I am not.

I couldn't stop laughing. He was sitting at the counter, and I could tell that he was trying to be mad at me, but he couldn't help but start laughing with me.

Me: "Well, Andrew, you've proved some very good points here. I think based on this evidence, I have no choice but to retract my statement and confirm that you are indeed NOT part dog."

Then I apologized for hurting his feelings. I explained that it was just a figure of speech and that it was impossible for any human to be part dog.

And thank goodness....he decided to forgive me.

Happy VD

...as in Valentine's Day. What else did you think I meant?

I wanted to post some pictures of the kids I took today. This blog is called "The Silva Family" after all. It's not just "Alecia's Really Important Opinion of The Bachelor." I mean, I really like that name, but I chose to go with the other because ARIOOTB is just way too long.


Amelia - 7.5 months

She's currently rolling around the living room. I put her down and walk away and 2 minutes later, she's across the room - and usually having a little fit because she can't get a hold of some toy she really, really wants. I don't know if it's because she's the 3rd child - therefore feeling the need to be overly obnoxious to make sure her needs get met - or - if she's just really spirited. Make no mistake. If she has a question, concern, comment, consideration or complaint - she makes it known. Quite loudly. But I can't help but kiss her chubby cheeks every chance I get. And she eats it up. The girl loves to be loved on.

Alivia - 3.5 years

Liv is now in preschool - and doing really well. She's learning all sorts of letters, numbers, shapes and making some little girly friends along the way. She had her first "friend from school" birthday party a couple weeks ago. She was so excited - and I guess she had a blast. Being the excellent mother that I am, I was gone in Omaha and Jason had to escort her to the party. He said she loved it. She's become super affectionate in the last couple months - she must tell me that she loves me 100 times a day. It's just so sweet to hear those words in her little mousy voice.

Andrew - 7 years

My little man. He is also doing very well in the first grade. He still writing all sorts of BeeMan books (which I think is adorable) and he's far ahead of the rest of his class academically. I'm not surprised, though. I mean, hello?? He's related to me. He's also super sweet - giving out hugs and compliments left and right. That little guy figured out a long time ago how to butter me up, and it works. I know what he's doing, but I don't care. I just eat up all those sweet words like a fat kid eats a cupcake. However, he's completely over me taking his picture. He's had enough. But I still force him. And look at my stunning results! Doesn't that look just scream "I'm thrilled, Mom! Please, take my picture again. In fact - I think I'd like to become America's next top model!!!"

Oh shut your pie hole. They had a guy on last season. He just dressed like a girl.

Wait a minute....

I don't want Andrew to dress like a girl.

That's not what I meant.

I said shut your PIE HOLE!

XOXO

The Bachelor: Week 6

This week was hometown dates. And is it me, or was it just sort of weird? Like the whole darn episode was filled with a whole lotta weird. Mixed in with a little dash of boring. Let's get started, shall we?

Jillian

First, Mr. Mesnick went to Canada to visit Jillian and her family. They seemed like the most normal of all the families. Funny...... Not psychotic....... Actually in attendance....... Nice, nice family. Everything went well. Her chances were looking pretty good. There was just this one little thing.

Remember Jill's Grandma? Wasn't she sweet? She sure was. Well, there's a pretty darn good chance that you just caught a glimpse into the future - as in that's what Jillian's gonna look like in 50 years.

Oh, c'mon! Don't tisk-tisk me! You know you were thinking it too!

Whatever. She's soooooo going home next week. Kathy - seems to think Molly is gonna be the one to get the boot. Wanna place a friendly wager, little lady?

Molly

Next up, Jason went to meet Molly's family. Jason met up with Molly on a golf course. Now, you all know I've loved me some Molly, but she didn't impress me as much on this date. It started off all sorts of wrong when she made Jason change his perfectly adorable outfit so that he would be appropriately dressed for the golf course.

And the pants she chose for him gave him hella moose-knuckle.

After some really boring golf, they went to meet her parents. Her mom made everyone wear extremely obnoxious hats. You know...to break the ice. Cause, that's normal. And I don't even know what to say about her dad. Other than I'm not sure if the man was actually alive. Did any of you see the man move? I kept waiting for it, but....He might have paid a visit to a taxidermist a few years back. Or maybe they they picked him up at a wax museum. It's gotta be one of those two.

Naomi

Ummmm.....her mom is straight whack. Like she did too many drugs in the 80's kinda whack. I don't know where her head is - but she's a complete freak show. From burying dead doves, to her beliefs that Jason was a mom in a previous life, to her hula hoop extravaganza's. She's. A. Nut. Job. And her DAD!!! Why does he have to be the Christian representative of the show?!! Not that I'm expecting ABC's audience to get saved while watching this show...but still. Not all Christians are like that. He's a sucky rep! Booooooooo!!!

But whatev. She got sent packin' and it was so surprise. What did surprise me what that Naomi never went ghetto on us! I thought for shiz that she was gonna be all up in someone's grill at some point before she got axed. Kinda makes me miss Marshana.

Melissa

Who cares if your family didn't show? Who cares if they are a bunch of unsupportive introverts? Your friends seem pretty cool (even though your BFF's husband openly admitted that he's tired of you being the 5th wheel. That kinda sucked.) You're still adorable. You're still the perfect fit for Jason. And, you're still gonna win. Can I take your newborn pictures when ya'll have babies? I bet you guys will make some cute ones!

DeAnna Disclaimer:

I'm mad. Just plain mad. ABC totally had me going - and I don't like nobody to go makin' a fool of me! Stupid creative editing!!! The whole DeAnna thing is a complete scam! A scam I tell you!!

She's not coming back for Jason. She's not coming back to steal him away from all the other girls in the house. She's not coming back to beg his forgiveness and plead with him to pick her, choose her, love her. She's coming back to advise Jason to think long and hard about his decision (duh-huh) - because she made a mistake.

On this show? Well, I never!

She chose Jesse when she should have chosen someone else. Mark my words, she's not going to say whom she should have chosen - she's not going to profess her undying love for Jason. She's going to do nothing of the sort. She's going to act as the "concerned friend" just so she can help a brutha out, whilst taking advantage of the free trip to New Zealand and another 2.3 minutes of fame. I feel violated. Emotionally raped, if you will.

How dare you, ABC.

How.

Dare.

You.

You promised me some drama. Some DeAnna drama.

I've been a loyal fan of this stupid show every single stupid season since Alex Michel (who, looking back, should have had 25 single men vying for his attention.) And every single stupid season, I get my hopes up that this - yes - this is going to be the season the couple is going to stay together forever - just like you stupidly promise in every stupid promo ever stupidly aired.

Except the one with Shayne Lamas. We all knew that was a joke.

But still! I believed in you. You lied to me. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I really thought we had something amazing, here. I've come to expect a little creative editing here and there. But this time, you've gone too far. I have half a nerve to ban this show from my DVR and my pretty little eyes forever!

.....I said half a nerve....See you next week.

The Bachelor: Week 5

I know, I know...I'm missing week 4's recap. And it was a good week. There was so much drama to discuss - oh, man it was a good one. I wish I would have been around to share my thoughts, but I was in Omaha.....yes, Omaha. As in Nebraska. In the middle of winter....I know what you're thinking. WHY in God's name did I go to Omaha??? I'll share that later in another post.

Back to the Bachelor. Jason is slowly working his way through the ladies and I've definitely got my favorites. Yes, that was plural. I've got two. And I'm completely torn. I love them both.

Last night was a good night. The entire week took place in Seattle. Our shirtless Bachelor put on a flannel and geared up for some cold weather - and lots of fun. His first date was with Melissa - and it didn't quite go as planned. You see, Ty was upset. His dad has been gone for the past few weeks. Then he comes home. Only to get ready to leave again. Little Ty is about done with that nonsense. So he throws a bit of a tantrum (understandably so) and Jason - being the good daddy that he is - decides to change the date around a bit.


The original date was set to be the most romantic date in Bachelor history! There were going to be waterfalls, helicopter rides, rose littered walkways and candle lit everything. And possibly some kissing. Okay, definitely some kissing. But alas - none of those things happened. Well, besides the kissing. There was quite a bit of kissing. The actual date took place at Jason's house. Melissa showed up to a note telling her to come on in - but stay downstairs. Jason wasn't quite ready for Ty to meet any of the ladies yet. So, Melissa did what any girl wearing a formal gown would do. She cleaned up after a messy toddler. And when she was done with that, she sat downstairs and drank alone.

(Hmmmm...glimpse into the future, perhaps?)

Noooo, I'm just being cynical. Finally, Jason came downstairs and acknowledged her. And then the rest of the date was perfect. I love them together. She totally took the whole thing in stride, and kept a dazzling white smile on her face the whole time. She's so darn cute, I wanna slap myself! I think she's my favorite.

The next date was a group date (Jillian, Molly and Stephanie) and I'm just gonna be honest with you. I don't really even remember what happened on the date. They did lots of things. I'm so traumatized by what went down at the radio station that I don't even remember any details about the rest of the date. They all went to visit a local radio station and....see, I'm already feeling nauseous just thinking about it...and the DJ.....(vurp, swallow).......asked the ladies what they do when the....(vurp, swallow, hiccup)....lights go out in the bedroom.

Jillian said.....I don't know.....something about ewwt and abewwt. Whatev.

Molly said....she likes to wear lingerie. Which she then admits never stays on very long. Um, Molly? I like you. I really, really like you. I'm straight up torn between you and Melissa. But - you need to be careful how you answer these types of questions. Cause that answer kinda made you sound like a hooker. But I still love you. BFF, okay?

Oh, lordy.....here it comes.

Stephanie said....(in her southern-accented phone-sex operator voice) First she takes a deep breath, and slowly exhales, into the microphone. She thinks...deeply. The she slowly begins to speak. In a soft southern drawl.

"..(sigh)....Um, whenever I'm with a man, I just.....want to make sure he's completely taken care of. I mean....(sigh, gazing off into space)...if I have to kiss every square inch of 'em...."

Melissa is back at the hotel listening to the live interview over the radio - and making the exact same face as I was, which looked something like this.

Oh, but Stephanie's not done yet. No, my friends, she keeps going.

"When I'm with somebody.....I like to just.....(still creep-gazing off into space)....kiss 'em all over.....just looove on 'em."

My BFF Jill, who was here watching the episode with me, summed up our mutual feeling best when she announced: "Oh my God. My uterus just shriveled up and died. I just felt it."

Take a moment. I completely understand.

Then Jason went on a date with Naomi, blah, blah, blah. It was at REI. It was boring. She's boring. Nice enough, but boring. He doesn't have a connection with her. She's going home next week. Especially after her crazy mother makes Jason bury a dove in the backyard. Yikes.


Then came the rose ceremony. Jason got all choked up when he (finally) eliminated Stephanie. Sure, she's sweet. She's actually seems really, really nice. But she was never going to fall in love with him. She's looking for her new baby-daddy. She's not over her husband, not by a long shot. Her parting words were something about how she couldn't wait to get to heaven to see her husband.

So, buh-bye Stephanie. Take some time to grieve, girl. And perhaps, apply a little more rouge? We wish you the best.

Next week is the hometown dates - Jason's going home to meet the girls' families.

But when the heck is DeAnna coming back. I'm really starting to get pissed off. What the frack, ABC???!!!