Bee Man Version 11

Andrew is our little writer. For as long as I can remember - (which clearly doesn't go very far back being that the kid is only 7 years old) - he's been coming at me with stacks of paper asking me if I can staple it together for him....cause he made another book!

Well, earlier in the school year, he created his first character book. Bee Man, he called it. Bee Man is a superhero who saves the day fighting Bee Evil and his "eeee-vill" ways. I have no idea what inspired Andrew to create this character, but he's very much a huge part of Andrew's life right now. He writes book after book, he takes them to school and reads them in front of this class. He plays Bee-Man on the playground with his sidekicks Bee Evan (Andrew's BFF) and Bee Jai-Dee (Andrew's little sweetie). Except Jai-Dee doesn't want to play Bee Man very often because she wants to play with her girly friends. So, usually it's just Andrew and Evan. Which Andrew doesn't like very much at all. But I explained to him that most girls their age want to play with other little girls....and it's usually jump-rope or hopscotch, not pretending to be super heroes flying around trying to avoid "giant spatulas."

I'm rambling.

Just before Christmas, I told Andrew that we could "publish" one of his books, and that is exactly what we did! He did all the writing and illustrations - which crack me up! I just purchased the first copy and it should be here within a week. So, if any of you out there want your very own copy of Andrew's first published book - just click on the button below to purchase it. He will earn a couple $$ for each book sold, which will help him purchase more book making supplies.....and by book making supplies, I mean candy.

Okay, maybe a mix of candy and book making supplies.

Alright, I'm not gonna lie. I told him he has to save all his Bee Man money to buy me a diamond necklace.

That's another lie.

But he would be super stoked if anyone acually bought his book.

You never know? He could end up being the next J.K. Rowling. And this first edition could be worth a bagrillion dollars someday...

Yes, that's a real number.

....yet again, another lie.

Sorry.

For all the lying.

The Bachelor: Week 3

First go here.

Okay, now back to me.

Let's get started. There was some serious awkward in this episode. For example, during the group date when Nikki/Miss Muttonchops (seriously, look at those things!) sat down for some one on one time with Jason and couldn't think of anything to say. And when I say anything, I mean anything. Like you could actually hear crickets while they both stared blankly at eachother. Awk.Ward. And her reasoning for it? She explains, in tears, she's a control freak - in fact, she's got every detail of her life planned out ahead of time so she just doesn't feel comfortable with certain spontaneous situations. Such as one-on-one conversation. Um, Nikki? If you really plan everything like you claim, am I left to believe that you actually planned your sideburns? Get back to me on that.

Sadly, Natalie Fabulous got sent home this week and did not take it gracefully. In fact, she down right threw a tantrum. She just couldn't wrap her cute little brain around Jason's decision to send her home. And I totally understand where she's coming from. I mean, anyone - anyone who loves clothes, shoes, fashion, bears, and not just some bears, but ALL bears, is clearly someone who loves party all night in upscale martini bars is ready to be married with a stepchild. She was sooooo ready. I wonder why he couldn't see that?


My favorite girl of the week is Stalker Shannon. She experienced some real growth this week. I get the feeling that she's seen the error in her ways - the whole stalker thing wasn't really working for her, so she's tranforming her persona. She's no longer Stalker Shannon. No ma'am. She's Emotional Trainwreck Shannon.

In the above picture, she was feeling sad and neglected during the group date. She wasn't getting enough alone time with Jason, so she just awkwardly grabbed him and hugged him. Out. Of. No. Where. (Look at how the other girls are all laughing and looking away. They can't stand it. Look how the drink in Jason's hand is about to spill. Perfection!) They finally sat down to talk and what does Shannon do? She starts crying because she just doesn't know quite how to express to him how she "just wants to lay in her PJ's with him, just the two of them. In PJ's." It's my opinion that she's already begun the process, since she completely stopped wearing make-up/doing her hair/taking a shower/brushing her teeth after vomiting during the rose ceremony. Oh, yeah. She vomited. No - sadly, no....it wasn't because she drank too much. It was because some of girls were being catty with eachother. (GASP!) I know, can you believe it? Drama? Between 12 women all dating the same guy? I can't imagine why? This has never happened on previous seasons!

The worst part? Jason kept her....he actually gave that girl a rose! In his defense, he does have a slight problem. He's just handing out roses because he has to. ABC has preallocated a certain amount of roses to give out each week. With the choices he has left, you know he's playing eenie-meenie-miney-moe in his head during the "dramatic pauses" between each name called.

Stay tuned for next week. He finally wises up and decides not to hand out all of the roses. I'm predicting the rose he decides to keep will be either for Megan/Dixie Carter, Emotional Trainwreck Shannon or Nikki/Miss Muttonchips.

PS: Oy, I forgot to mention Erica. Um, Erica? I'm really sorry you got sent home. You were so fun to watch and so real, you know what I mean? I really respect how you represented the trailer park. Rock on.

Yeah...I did it. Jealous?

My friend Kathy's latest Writer's Workshop post triggered a memory somewhat similar to the one she described.

Here's a little back history:

When I was a kid, my parents took every July off work. During that month, they would drive all over the state visiting family. The summer I was 15, they finally told me that I didn't have to join them, and they took off on their adventure. Leaving my older brother Clinton, and I alone at the house with strict instructions to follow.

1. No friends in the house. (My dad owned guns. Lots and lots of guns. And he didn't want any of our stupid friends getting a hold of them and using them for target practice. Among other things.)


2. Curfew was at 1o:oopm. Sharp. My parents made it clear they would be calling the house each night to make sure we were both home at that time. What they didn't know is that as soon as I talked to them, I was gone for the rest of the night. Unlike me, my older brother followed the rules. Blech!


3. Absolutely no driving the awesome brown 1982 Subaru station wagon - aka The Sube - they left behind. Well, this rule was specifically for me - I didn't have my license yet, but Clinton did. But he had his own truck, so he wouldn't need to drive The Sube anywhere.

And that car was awesome. It looked like this - but it was brown, with a cow herder on the front and (the best part) it had a CB antenna that actually reached heaven. I'm not kidding. You could just flip that radio on and direct connect with God. It usually went something like this:

Me: "Breaker, breaker - Jehovah Jireh, you gotta copy?"

God: "Jehovah Jireh comin' in loud and proud. What's yer 20 (location)? Bring it on back."

Me: "I'm rolling down the BIR - just checking to see if there are any black n' whites (cops) ahead? C'mon."

God: "Nope, it's lookin' like you've gotta clean shot. Go ahead and drop the hammer all the way to 128th."

Me: "Thank you kindly, Big Wheel. Catch you on the flip-flop. Over and out."

That rig was awesome.

Back to the summer of 1993. I was 15, with a learner's permit, passed driver's ed with flying colors (ha, ha Kathy!) and just waiting to turn 16 in a few months. I got up that first morning my parents were gone and saw the keys to The Sube just chillin' on the hook. I knew in that instant what I was going to do. I was going for a joy ride!

So I called up my friend Trudy and asked her what she wanted to do for the day, cause we had wheels and I was coming to get her. She was down, so I hopped in The Sube and turned on the forbidden rap station, cranked it up as high as it would go (which wasn't very high at all - being that the one speaker was the size of a walnut), rolled down the windows and sailed up the long gravel driveway. I still remember that rush when I turned on to the main street - it was awesome! Trudy lived a good 10 miles from me and we rolled back and forth between our houses, friends houses - wherever we wanted to go all week long. Sweet freedom!!

It was a great week - it gave me a taste of what life was going to be like in a few months when I got my license. But as for that week, I knew the fun couldn't last forever. Right before my parents were due to come home, I rolled The Sube down the long gravel driveway returning from it's final trip out. My older brother was outside and as I got out of the car he says to me:

Clinton: "Um, you know that Dad wrote down the mileage before he left, right?"

Me: ...(gulp)..."What?"

Clinton: ...(grins devilishly)... "Yeah. He did this to me a couple of summers ago when I had my learner's permit. He told me after he got home. Buuuut - unlike you, I got props for NOT driving the car anywhere without a license. You're sooooooo busted."

Oh.

Crap.

Me: "Uhhh......no, I'm not. I will, uh......(thinking).....just.......(more thinking)......(Ah ha! I had it!).....drive the car around the neighborhood in reverse to get the mileage back down."

Clinton stares at me blankly. Then he busts out laughing at me!

Clinton: (still laughing) "Good one, idiot! Go ahead and try that and see how it works for ya."

Me: "It doesn't work? But I thought I saw on Ferris Buellers Day Off......"

At this point my stomach starts turning into knots. I knew, I just KNEW my dad was going to kill me. This was by far the worst thing I'd ever done in my entire life - and now that life was about to be over. I was gonna die. Unless......

Me: "You have to tell Mom & Dad that you drove the car to B-Town to get parts for your truck."

Clinton: (starts laughing even harder) "No, I don't!"

Me: (in a tiny voice) "Please?"

Clinton: "Nope."

Me: (whining) "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese????"

Clinton: (shaking his head) "Uh-uh."

Me: (demanding) "PLEASE!!!"

One thing I know about my brother, he H-A-T-E-S confrontation/conflict. And I had every intention of taking full advantage of that. I see him start to waiver. I see defeat flicker in his eyes. But he wasn't ready yet.

Clinton: (sighs) "No, you did this to yourself."

It's time to pull out the big guns.

Me: (yelling loudly now) "But Dad is going to kill me. You know that! He's going to do anything and everything to make my life a living hell - and then he's gonna beat the crap outta me. He's gonna BEAT ME! And I'm gonna DIE! And you have the power to stop this. And you're just going to let me DIE??? What did I ever do to you?? PLEASE! DON'T! DO! THIS! TO! ME!"

I can see him squirming. He starts to walk away. But I drop down and grab a hold of his leg. He continues to walk away, dragging me though the gravel. He tries to shake me off, but it's no use. I'm not letting go.

Me: (still yelling. teeth clenched.) "C'MON!!"

He stops and scowls at me. He's pissed. And that also means he's gonna give me what I want.

Clinton: "FINE! But you owe me. BIG!"

Me: "Okay, I'll do whatever you want! Just name it - and it's yours. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I love you!!!"

When my parent's came home, the first thing my dad did was go check the mileage in The Sube. I ran and hid in my room. Waiting.....

Dad: "ALECIA!!!! Get out here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

(gulp)

I saunter out of my room, trying to be all innocent and casual like, but not too casual - because then he might be on to my deceptive ways.

Me: (squeaky voice) "Uh, yeah, Dad?"

Dad (head cocked to the side, his eyes burning into my soul) : "I didn't tell you this, but I wrote down the mileage before I left for our trip. I wanted to test you to see if you'd drive the car. And you put over 100 MILES ON THE CAR WHILE WE WERE GONE!!!"

At this point he's towering over me and his face and big ol' bald head is turning a reddish purple. He's shaking. He's about to lose it. I look down. I can't stand it.

Me: (taking a deep breath) "No, I didn't! I swear it! Clinton was driving the car this week because he was working on his truck and he needed parts from the auto shop. Ask him! I promise!"

And that's exactly what he did. I stood behind my dad while he grilled Clinton about the mileage. I was glaring at Clinton as hard as I could. My eyes were being very clear. They spoke to my brother - they reminded him of the deal we made. They threatened him with conflict should he decide to go back on his word. Lots and lots of loud, obnoxious conflict.

And thank Jehovah Jireh Almighty - he took the blame. And spared my life. He is the reason I am still alive today.

Thank you Bubba!

BTW - I called my dad today to see what year The Sube was, so I could google search a picture of one like it for the blog. Then I told him the truth about what I did all those years ago. He just laughed. A nervous laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

Yet another reason why I love being an adult.

The Bachelor: Week 2

Okay, just like last week, you need to click here first.

This weeks show wasn't as drama filled as I would have liked, but it was still ah-ight. I'll give it a 6.8 out of 10. Some girls went on dates with Jason. Some did not. Megan and Erika got into a verbal fight when Erika was clearly being two faced. Megan called her on it. But don't worry about Erika! She and her 17 chins stood her ground to tell Megan off. Multiple times. What these girls need to realize is they aren't even almost going to win. They need stop being so aggressive. It's not even going to be close to a close call for them. They are just filler girls. He keeps them around because they will be easy to eliminate later. Buh-bye.

Also, I'd like to add that I'm feeling slightly guilty regarding last weeks opinion of Stephanie.....(sigh)....after watching this weeks episode, she seems a little less scary and lot more sweet. When she was telling the other girls about her husband dying, I really felt badly for her. Kind of made me love her. And then when they showed next weeks preview and how Jason surprises her by bringing her daughter down to Cali??? I really have a hard time not liking the girls who seem genuinely nice. She reminds me of the house mother. I still don't think she's gonna make a good match for Jason, but she will for somebody.

I agree with Kathy about Melissa - she's definitely my favorite so far. And usually, I'm pretty good at predicting who will at least make it down to the final 4, and she's definitely in.

I also agree with Kathy about DeAnna. And I'm equally embarrassed about it! I wanted to hate her - I really did. But I just can't. I'm secretly hoping that maybe they end up together after all. But, my bachelor intuition tells me that he's going to kick her to curb.

Since this weeks episode wasn't as drama filled as I would have liked, I've decided to showcase something I've noticed over the previous 13 seasons of this show. ABC has the most uncanny ability to find these girls who are celebrity look alikes. Take a look at what I'm talking about:

Melissa / Mandy Moore

Ashlee / Leelee Sobieski

Kristine / Leann Rimes

Jenni/Jennifer Love-Hewitt

Megan / Dixie Carter

Natalie / Tina Fabulous

Nikki / Mr. Muttonchops

Are there any others you can think about?

The Bachelor: Week 1

I've decided to start posting my highly important opinions regarding each episode of the new season of the Bachelor on ABC. But before I begin, I will just say that my posts will be in addition to my dear friend Kathy's posts. So, before you read mine, go read hers.

Then come back and read mine.

I have to do it this way because she is much quicker on the draw when posting her bachelor opinions, and usually I agree with her on just about everything concerning this show. But - she inevitably forgets something. That's what I'm here for:

First of all, I want to point out that one of my BFF's had the pleasue of meeting our new Bachelor, Jason - down at the Pike Place Market a few months ago. He was down there doing some taping for the show, and sure enough she ran into him and his son Ty. She's the one in the middle. The other girls are her "special friends" who just so happened to be with her that day.

What?

Of course this picture is straight out of the camera. There is absolutely no photoshopping done here at all. I mean, who would do that? Who would use a tool such as photoshop to make two normally pretty girls look hideous? Clearly only someone with jealously issues - and if there's one thing I can't understand, it has to be that. Nope. No jealousy here.

Moving on...I love week one. It's my favorite of all the weeks. The catty drama is in full effect on week one - I just love how ABC brings these ladies, of all ages - together from all over the country and puts them in a room - with alcohol - while they all do whatever they can to get the attention of one man. This my friends, is simple mindless drama and I love every single minute of it.

Let's start with Stephanie: Girl, how you made it through the first round I do not know! You have to know that he kept you around for one of two reasons. One - you totally got the pity rose. Look, I'm sorry that your husband died - that's a bad, bad deal. Truly it is. And now like you said, it's time to move on. But don't you think you outta give it a shot with somebody your own age? And while were on the subject of age, ummmm...how do I put this delicately?.....You're a liar. You are NOT 34. You are maybe 46. At best. The second possible reason he kept you around is because maybe he thinks you'd be the perfect BFF for him mom. Or his grandma. You seem really nice. Scary, like a bunny boiler, but nice! I would be shocked if you make it past week 3.

Moving on to Renee: Lady - you've got serious balls. You not only filled the token "old lady" spot in the bachelorette line-up, but you added a little bit crazy to the mix, too! Thank you for such enjoyable entertainment. I really liked the idea of your vision boards. So, just to get this straight - your theory is that if you cut out some pictures and letters from magazines and glue-stick them to some poster board, then whatever you want will come true? Is that correct? Your vision board about you and Jason being together forever was really sweet. Stalkerish...but sweet.

But then he didn't pick you! How weird! Hmmm....maybe you should do a new vision board. All about straight jackets and pills and orderlies and stuff like that. I have a sneaking suspicion that one may just come true! Here's to hoping!

Now for Jackie: You are so sweet to devote your time to being Week One's Drunk Girl. I had so much fun watching you talk about how you were engaged to one guy, but then dumped him by leaving your ring on his pillow in the middle of the night while he slept. And then how you found another sucker to actually marry you, but how it didn't work out. I was so impressed when you noted that you had all sorts of fun planning the wedding, but you hadn't planned for the "after party." I love that you had that much wisdom regarding that situation, and yet here you are again - planning yet another wedding, with Jason this time. A guy you've never even met. Awwww....how sweet.

Then you got drunk. And raspy. And he didn't pick you. And then, the best part....you were our cryer! And while you cried, you went over your wedding itinerary, detail by detail, and just couldn't figure out why he let you - little ol' you - walk out of his life. Well, I say good luck to you and the 9 other weddings you be having in the near future.

Finally, let's get to Shannon: Remember when you were sitting outside with Jason and you were telling him how you'd researched every detail of his life? Remember how you knew his brothers name, his brother's girlfriends name, her mother's name and the name of her great uncles chilhood cat? Remember that? Remember when you said you didn't want to sound all "stalker-ish?" Remember? Remember that?

Classic.

I hate to be the first one to break it to you, but you're someone the police would consider a threat. You don't quite qualify for a restraining order. But you're awfully close! I think when he dumps you, we may be in for quite a ride. And I can't wait.

Now moving on to most shockingly delicious part. Ladies - DeAnna is coming back! And she's coming back for Jason.

Say, what??!!

She made a mistake??!! She wants to be with Jason after all?! Oh, party people this is gonna be good. Soooo good. I cannot wait.