The Bachelor: Week 5

I know, I know...I'm missing week 4's recap. And it was a good week. There was so much drama to discuss - oh, man it was a good one. I wish I would have been around to share my thoughts, but I was in Omaha.....yes, Omaha. As in Nebraska. In the middle of winter....I know what you're thinking. WHY in God's name did I go to Omaha??? I'll share that later in another post.

Back to the Bachelor. Jason is slowly working his way through the ladies and I've definitely got my favorites. Yes, that was plural. I've got two. And I'm completely torn. I love them both.

Last night was a good night. The entire week took place in Seattle. Our shirtless Bachelor put on a flannel and geared up for some cold weather - and lots of fun. His first date was with Melissa - and it didn't quite go as planned. You see, Ty was upset. His dad has been gone for the past few weeks. Then he comes home. Only to get ready to leave again. Little Ty is about done with that nonsense. So he throws a bit of a tantrum (understandably so) and Jason - being the good daddy that he is - decides to change the date around a bit.


The original date was set to be the most romantic date in Bachelor history! There were going to be waterfalls, helicopter rides, rose littered walkways and candle lit everything. And possibly some kissing. Okay, definitely some kissing. But alas - none of those things happened. Well, besides the kissing. There was quite a bit of kissing. The actual date took place at Jason's house. Melissa showed up to a note telling her to come on in - but stay downstairs. Jason wasn't quite ready for Ty to meet any of the ladies yet. So, Melissa did what any girl wearing a formal gown would do. She cleaned up after a messy toddler. And when she was done with that, she sat downstairs and drank alone.

(Hmmmm...glimpse into the future, perhaps?)

Noooo, I'm just being cynical. Finally, Jason came downstairs and acknowledged her. And then the rest of the date was perfect. I love them together. She totally took the whole thing in stride, and kept a dazzling white smile on her face the whole time. She's so darn cute, I wanna slap myself! I think she's my favorite.

The next date was a group date (Jillian, Molly and Stephanie) and I'm just gonna be honest with you. I don't really even remember what happened on the date. They did lots of things. I'm so traumatized by what went down at the radio station that I don't even remember any details about the rest of the date. They all went to visit a local radio station and....see, I'm already feeling nauseous just thinking about it...and the DJ.....(vurp, swallow).......asked the ladies what they do when the....(vurp, swallow, hiccup)....lights go out in the bedroom.

Jillian said.....I don't know.....something about ewwt and abewwt. Whatev.

Molly said....she likes to wear lingerie. Which she then admits never stays on very long. Um, Molly? I like you. I really, really like you. I'm straight up torn between you and Melissa. But - you need to be careful how you answer these types of questions. Cause that answer kinda made you sound like a hooker. But I still love you. BFF, okay?

Oh, lordy.....here it comes.

Stephanie said....(in her southern-accented phone-sex operator voice) First she takes a deep breath, and slowly exhales, into the microphone. She thinks...deeply. The she slowly begins to speak. In a soft southern drawl.

"..(sigh)....Um, whenever I'm with a man, I just.....want to make sure he's completely taken care of. I mean....(sigh, gazing off into space)...if I have to kiss every square inch of 'em...."

Melissa is back at the hotel listening to the live interview over the radio - and making the exact same face as I was, which looked something like this.

Oh, but Stephanie's not done yet. No, my friends, she keeps going.

"When I'm with somebody.....I like to just.....(still creep-gazing off into space)....kiss 'em all over.....just looove on 'em."

My BFF Jill, who was here watching the episode with me, summed up our mutual feeling best when she announced: "Oh my God. My uterus just shriveled up and died. I just felt it."

Take a moment. I completely understand.

Then Jason went on a date with Naomi, blah, blah, blah. It was at REI. It was boring. She's boring. Nice enough, but boring. He doesn't have a connection with her. She's going home next week. Especially after her crazy mother makes Jason bury a dove in the backyard. Yikes.


Then came the rose ceremony. Jason got all choked up when he (finally) eliminated Stephanie. Sure, she's sweet. She's actually seems really, really nice. But she was never going to fall in love with him. She's looking for her new baby-daddy. She's not over her husband, not by a long shot. Her parting words were something about how she couldn't wait to get to heaven to see her husband.

So, buh-bye Stephanie. Take some time to grieve, girl. And perhaps, apply a little more rouge? We wish you the best.

Next week is the hometown dates - Jason's going home to meet the girls' families.

But when the heck is DeAnna coming back. I'm really starting to get pissed off. What the frack, ABC???!!!