The Bachelor: Week 1

I've decided to start posting my highly important opinions regarding each episode of the new season of the Bachelor on ABC. But before I begin, I will just say that my posts will be in addition to my dear friend Kathy's posts. So, before you read mine, go read hers.

Then come back and read mine.

I have to do it this way because she is much quicker on the draw when posting her bachelor opinions, and usually I agree with her on just about everything concerning this show. But - she inevitably forgets something. That's what I'm here for:

First of all, I want to point out that one of my BFF's had the pleasue of meeting our new Bachelor, Jason - down at the Pike Place Market a few months ago. He was down there doing some taping for the show, and sure enough she ran into him and his son Ty. She's the one in the middle. The other girls are her "special friends" who just so happened to be with her that day.

What?

Of course this picture is straight out of the camera. There is absolutely no photoshopping done here at all. I mean, who would do that? Who would use a tool such as photoshop to make two normally pretty girls look hideous? Clearly only someone with jealously issues - and if there's one thing I can't understand, it has to be that. Nope. No jealousy here.

Moving on...I love week one. It's my favorite of all the weeks. The catty drama is in full effect on week one - I just love how ABC brings these ladies, of all ages - together from all over the country and puts them in a room - with alcohol - while they all do whatever they can to get the attention of one man. This my friends, is simple mindless drama and I love every single minute of it.

Let's start with Stephanie: Girl, how you made it through the first round I do not know! You have to know that he kept you around for one of two reasons. One - you totally got the pity rose. Look, I'm sorry that your husband died - that's a bad, bad deal. Truly it is. And now like you said, it's time to move on. But don't you think you outta give it a shot with somebody your own age? And while were on the subject of age, ummmm...how do I put this delicately?.....You're a liar. You are NOT 34. You are maybe 46. At best. The second possible reason he kept you around is because maybe he thinks you'd be the perfect BFF for him mom. Or his grandma. You seem really nice. Scary, like a bunny boiler, but nice! I would be shocked if you make it past week 3.

Moving on to Renee: Lady - you've got serious balls. You not only filled the token "old lady" spot in the bachelorette line-up, but you added a little bit crazy to the mix, too! Thank you for such enjoyable entertainment. I really liked the idea of your vision boards. So, just to get this straight - your theory is that if you cut out some pictures and letters from magazines and glue-stick them to some poster board, then whatever you want will come true? Is that correct? Your vision board about you and Jason being together forever was really sweet. Stalkerish...but sweet.

But then he didn't pick you! How weird! Hmmm....maybe you should do a new vision board. All about straight jackets and pills and orderlies and stuff like that. I have a sneaking suspicion that one may just come true! Here's to hoping!

Now for Jackie: You are so sweet to devote your time to being Week One's Drunk Girl. I had so much fun watching you talk about how you were engaged to one guy, but then dumped him by leaving your ring on his pillow in the middle of the night while he slept. And then how you found another sucker to actually marry you, but how it didn't work out. I was so impressed when you noted that you had all sorts of fun planning the wedding, but you hadn't planned for the "after party." I love that you had that much wisdom regarding that situation, and yet here you are again - planning yet another wedding, with Jason this time. A guy you've never even met. Awwww....how sweet.

Then you got drunk. And raspy. And he didn't pick you. And then, the best part....you were our cryer! And while you cried, you went over your wedding itinerary, detail by detail, and just couldn't figure out why he let you - little ol' you - walk out of his life. Well, I say good luck to you and the 9 other weddings you be having in the near future.

Finally, let's get to Shannon: Remember when you were sitting outside with Jason and you were telling him how you'd researched every detail of his life? Remember how you knew his brothers name, his brother's girlfriends name, her mother's name and the name of her great uncles chilhood cat? Remember that? Remember when you said you didn't want to sound all "stalker-ish?" Remember? Remember that?

Classic.

I hate to be the first one to break it to you, but you're someone the police would consider a threat. You don't quite qualify for a restraining order. But you're awfully close! I think when he dumps you, we may be in for quite a ride. And I can't wait.

Now moving on to most shockingly delicious part. Ladies - DeAnna is coming back! And she's coming back for Jason.

Say, what??!!

She made a mistake??!! She wants to be with Jason after all?! Oh, party people this is gonna be good. Soooo good. I cannot wait.